The Guilt Was Overwhelming

[lukejes 55]

For many days now, I have been posting what many have called hilarious and genius jokes on my profile feed such as these:

 

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This just in: Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

 

This just in: Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid

 

This just in: Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up in Harry Potter Craze

 

This just in: Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

 

This just in: Earthquake Kills 54 Rescue Workers’ Weekend Plans

 

This just in: Winner Didn’t Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest

 

This just in: Archeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

 

This just in: Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

 

This just in: Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

 

This just in: Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System

 

This just in: Sub-Orbital Ballistic Propulsion Engineer ‘Not Exactly A Rocket Scientist’

 

This just in: Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

 

This just in: Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants

 

This just in: World Death Rate Holding Steady at 100 Percent

 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

 

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

 

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

 

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

 

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

 

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

 

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

 

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

 

Half the people you know are below average.

 

Someone told me half of all car accidents happen within a mile of your house. So I moved.

 

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

 

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.”

 

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

 

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious.

 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

 

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...

 

What's another word for Thesaurus?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone .

 

What is the speed of dark?

 

 

 

At first it was to give people a good laugh, but the guilt has become overwhelming. I've been given too much good credit. So here it is: I got them all from the internet. Don't yell at me! I'm sorry! I have wronged Lotc, I can never be forgiven...

[Drak3 442]

~I forgive you.~

 

 

[PtahWithin 1320]

As penance, you must come up with 30 terrible puns and speak them before a group of no less than 10 people who you respect and care about.

[Raptorious 1899]

As penance, you must come up with 30 terrible puns and speak them before a group of no less than 10 people who you respect and care about.

 

Bit cruel?

[PtahWithin 1320]

Bit cruel?

I am a vengeful and jealous god.

[lukejes 55]

As penance, you must come up with 30 terrible puns and speak them before a group of no less than 10 people who you respect and care about.

Very well, I shall do what you say. It's only right...

[Thatpyrodude 2008]

I'm disapointed

[Bat Druid 140]

There is no originality left, everything is just a retelling of something else, so this makes NO DIFFERENCE to ANYTHING EVER.

 

Are we clear?

[Space 2335]

top kek XDDDD

[Raptorious 1899]

+1 deserves to be banned, someone remove this filth from our premium community please

[Neri 3590]

Keep doing it, please.

[lukejes 55]

+1 deserves to be banned, someone remove this filth from our premium community please

I am filth. I don't have the right to speak such trash. I cannot be forgiven. *drowns himself in a pool of puns*

This just in: Head Deadhead Dead. Gah! I did it again! Make it stop!

[Birdwhisperer 1174]

This treachery is unforgivable!

 

 

But keep it up...

[lukejes 55]

The magic is gone, yet I will try if it is what the public wants...

[TeaLulu 1783]

as your biggest fan, i feel i am the most betrayed.