A Solemner Declaration Of War

[ARCHITECUS 4788]

---

 

A royal Holmish Pigeon is sent to the council of the Grand Kingdom of Urguan in Kal'Arkon.

 

28th of Sun's Smile, 1459

 

Woe to you, manlets! You have shown endless disrespect and aggression to the Imperium of Man! The constant slaughtering of helpless peasants! The boiling alive of your own citizens due to baseless paranoia! May you be cast into magma many times, **** upon by the eagles of the Empire each time! You, "Grand King" of the stunted, greedy midgets, are nothing but a speck on the arse of the King of Holm! I, Guy Silsbury, say this now, and I will scream it many times at your mutilated corpse, "**** YOU! **** YOU, *****!". Your sins not only affect the mortal realm, but taint your soul beyond belief! The Creator already scowls directly at your gold-clenching, war-mongering, short-growing spirit! The entire Kingdom of Holm curses you, dwarf! 

 

Here is a list of despicable and unforgivable crimes your Kingdom of Rats has committed! **** you! And this is just in the last saint's month! **** you again!

• Assaulting the Enclave of Haelun'or, sister state of the Holy Empire of Oren by the Crimson-Silver Concordat, with reckless disregard for their pacifism.
• Unjustly laying claim to the lands of our sister-state, the Enclave of Haelun'or.
• Aiding our enemies, the Princedom Fenn, with military and economic support while the Holy Empire of Oren was in a declared and provoked state of war with the aforementioned state.
• Aiding our enemies, those ravaging warbands of uruks, with military and economic support while the Holy Empire of Oren was in an assumed and provoked state of war with the aforementioned parties.
• Levying direct attacks against the Orenian city of Vekaro with the aid of bandits, uruks, and legions while in a state of claimed peace with the Holy Empire of Oren.
• With regard for neither honor nor decorum, making official statements inflammatory to the citizens, authorities, and Emperor of the Imperium Tertius.
• Complaining without any break to the brave and enduring soldiers of Oren.
• Kidnapping the ***** known as Vittoria Horen. (haha) (I have her head in my basement)
• Influencing the aforementioned ***** into adultery.
• Killing the vibe of House Silsbury.
• Killing the vibe of House Denims.
• Being offensive to the eye: short and scrunched in stature, creepy visage, and beards with the same consistency of my pubic hair.
• Burning over six-million innocent Urguan civilians alive with boiling oil without regret, and then attempting to push the blame on the Strelts of Vekaro.
• Hacking.
• Repeated attempts at raiding the capital of the Holy Empire of Oren, Kaldonia, and failing spectacularly each time.
• Extreme aggression towards innocent Orenian tourists in the Grand Kingdom of Urguan's capital, Kal'Arkon.
• Forced removal without mercy of innocent Orenian tourists in the Grand Kingdom of Urguan's capital, Kal'Arkon.
• Exclusion of innocent Orenian tourists in the Grand Kingdom of Urguan's capital, Kal'Arkon.
• The cutting-off-of-legs of insubordinate recruits: a massive abuse of Dwarven rights and another Dwarven Monstrosity in general.
• The fact that the Dwarven King of the Grand Kingdom of Urguan enjoys the company of male dwarves: a sin against Our Creator.
• Refusing to recognize rightful clay of The Grand and Supreme Holy Kingdom of the Kingdom of Holm under the Holy Empire of Oren within dwarven territory.
• Refusing to recognize the authority of The Grand and Supreme Holy Kingdom of the Kingdom of Holm under the Holy Empire of Oren.

You will regret this day, thieving manlets! Woe to you! Woe to you! The sword will fall upon everything you hold dear! Holy flames of Oren will burn down your pathetic structures! The Kingdom of Holm and its master government, the Holy Empire of Oren, will see to the death of every single noncomplying dwarf! **** you! Woe to you! The House of Denims will tear your flag! The House of Silsbury will rend your flesh! You will burn and scald as did your citizens! Fear the might of every human, from the hardy strelt to the noble Caerngard! If there is one word to describe your situation, it is fucked! If I could include my laughter at your incompetence and other disgusting traits, this paper would burst into brilliant flames! Ha ha ha! **** you! You are doomed, dwarves! Goodbye! The Empire says goodbye! I, Guy Silsbury, Caerngard, say goodbye! Goodbye!

 

A flock of royal Holmish pigeons then darkens the sky above Kal'Arkon, flooding the streets of the Dwarven capital with this document which was copied meticulously by slave hands.

[DelaneyG 1279]

Arthal nods, preparing to help Holm.

[Hiebe 2493]

Hiebe states.Holm is dead

[GavinTheViking 151]

The pigeons flood into the Dwarven city, somehow capturing Kal'Arkon.

[Destroyer_Bravo 1054]

Nurrak's ashes roll, and sift out a message on top

 

"Die Already, Holm"

[Helbolt 129]

An annoyed Baron looks at the Grand Holy Kingdom... of Holmy Holmy Holy Holm Grand Holy, well you get it.

 

It is smaller than the Inn of the Capital City.  

 

"When I made Loopshire into a city from a Kingdom, that, was bigger than Holm twenty times over.  I am sure they must be quaking in their boots.  Especially since they do not seem to fear the might of the full Empire.  At this point, perhaps they admire Holm's sense of humor." 

 

((Also, if you were to play rap, or several other types of music for a medieval man, I am convinced he probably would have called it Satanic and had you chased out of town, and towns were in the wilderness back then, so that means you die of exposure, starvation, or perhaps rabid peacocks))

 

((@Gaius - all good points, it was more of an aside than a criticism, thus the rabid peacock statement :) ))

[Terafir 90]

Aret stands there reading the flyers for a good ten seconds before wondering whether he should take it seriously or not...

 

Prolly not...

[Hobolympic 1093]

"Ah, good! Dis toilet papeh will last fer months! Dey er truly generous fer takin' t'eir part in wipin' me /arse/ so seriousleh."

[Samson Option 9652]

An annoyed Baron looks at the Grand Holy Kingdom... of Holmy Holmy Holy Holm Grand Holy, well you get it.

 

It is smaller than the Inn of the Capital City.  

 

"When I made Loopshire into a city from a Kingdom, that, was bigger than Holm twenty times over.  I am sure they must be quaking in their boots.  Especially since they do not seem to fear the might of the full Empire.  At this point, perhaps they admire Holm's sense of humor." 

 

((Also, if you were to play rap, or several other types of music for a medieval man, I am convinced he probably would have called it Satanic and had you chased out of town, and towns were in the wilderness back then, so that means you die of exposure, starvation, or perhaps rabid peacocks))

Theodosius looks betwixt Holm and the Baron, noting "Let the Architects have their laugh, they made a small-scale city of old and like a good laugh. They say laughter is the best medicine. Anyways, perhaps their engineering prowess made them a bit mad in the mind. I'd be mad if I had to go build entire cities, then make renovations, then make calculations, so on so forth."

 

((Most music is not meant to be played as if rapped, strummed on a guitar, etcetera. It is commonly accepted on LotC that music typically sets mood or can be used to lighten the reception of certain posts. In other words, it shows we are Humans IRL and not addicts on the Internet trying to crush each other's dream. Don't like the music, don't click it.))

[Birdwhisperer 1174]

Moved to the Great Library. It shall be sorted into appropriate category shortly.