iris1612 1780 Share Posted August 2, 2016 14 hours ago, professorus said: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Floundering Felsenite ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Duke of Carnatia Leaves Orenian Forces High and Dry wins 20 skirmishes, loses 1. Apparently this is a big deal A small skirmish took place within the borders of the Empire of Oren approximately the 23rd of the Grand Harvest in the year 1570. The defending force consisted of a confused mixture of Orenian Knights and other orenian soldiers from many different organizations, whilst the defending force consisted of the dreadlandic banner force of house Ruric; the Ashguard, led by Ser Hakon Ruric the ‘Shipwright’ himself. The battle lasted less than an hour as the Dreadlandic forces completely overwhelmed the Orenian forces. Jan Kovachev the Duke of Carnatia who was leading the Orenian patchwork army reportedly fled mid battle, leaving his forces leaderless to be annihilated by the illustrious Ashguard. The Ashguard reportedly later caught up with the cowardly Duke and managed to easily send him to the monks. This is good news for the Dreadlands, who have won about 1 battle and lost 9 in the past 2 Elven months. Dreadlandic Tournament “Red Wedding” Free Lasts months Ashen Tournament was a rousing success with dozens of high profile guests Dreadland randoms arriving to view the celebration. The tournament consisted of two separate parts, the Ashen joust and the warriors crucible, a one on one melee, which was a revival of the old Norlandic tradition long-upheld ORENIAN tradition, practiced by Orenians in Orenian tournaments on Orenian lands for the past 5000 years of the same name. The Ashen tournament came to an exciting predictable, because there were only 2 Rurics who knew even the basics of equestrianism climax when two Rurics; Ser Hakon Ruric (Eirikson) and Thorbjorn Ruric (Freyson) faced off, with the latter taking the victory by dehorsing his more famous arrogant and obnoxious cousin Ser Hakon Ruric. We would also like to send our congratulations to Kiveck Irelia (only good Dreadlander) for his resounding victory in the warriors crucible, as well as to all other participants in both the Ashen joust and the warriors crucible. Harian Ball Her Royal Highness, Princess Kaia Kharadeen of Haria hosted a Grand ball last month which boasted almost a hundred notable figures. In attendance was Javier Ruric (Eirikson) and Thorbjorn Ruric (Freyson), as well as the entire Kharadeen family and a multitude of other minor nobles and important characters. The ball reached a dramatic high when Princess Kaia danced passionately and flawlessly with Emir Fahkri, stunning the entire crowd which had encircled the two to watch their perfect rendition of a traditional Qalasheen dance. Javier Ruric (Eirikson) reported that Orenian forces had arrived to attack the ball, but were turned away when “Faced with the might of the Ashguard”. But didn't attack because Orenians have no desire to murder innocent women and children, unlike the Dreadlanders. Ashguard: the brave and the cold Ukra Kavras, the self proclaimed master of ice and lord of the natural elements has vowed to freeze over the entire encompassing land of the dreadlands, he was quoted saying “I’m going to cover every single dreadlandic fort and town in a light snowfall for at least a day or two”. So make sure to have warm clothing handy over the next few days unless you want to be stuck in the wizards wintry curse with your summer clothes on. Where do I buy the cactus green you're on? How to execute an Orenian Soldier We asked some of the Dreadlands top executioners about the best methods on executing captured Orenian soldiers, their answers may surprise you. Malok Egal is an executioner working in the dreadlandic city of Exul and he preferred the method of lopping off an Orenian soldiers head, so that he could mount it on a pike at the entrance of the city as a message, Egal proudly boasted that he had a collection of 14 fresh heads outside the city entrance thanks to the increase of heroic raids carried out by the beloved men and women of the Ashguard. Agvhik Muthaleaku an executioner working near the infamous Ruric Bonefort praised the practice of hangings stating that “There is nothing like watching a terrified Orenian swing from the gallows.” Muthaleaku enjoys leaving his handiwork for a few days so that Dreadlandic families can come visit and have a picnic while viewing the wonderful job that our boys in the Ashguard are doing. Muthaleaku would like us to announce that there is currently four bodies up for display outside the Bonefort. Ser Hakon Ruric (Eirikson) was only available for a short time but said that his favorite method of execution was hanging because of the public display that it allows. Ser Hakon stated that “Hanging lets those who would betray you see the harshness of their fate, and entices those who would attack to think twice.” I find it interesting that Dreadlanders insist on calling themselves "heroic" while boasting about murdering unarmed soldiers. What's heroic about that? You killed somebody who had made no threat to you. You murdered a young man. Not just an Orenian soldier, a PERSON. With a father, a mother, now without a son. A wife, now a widow. A son, now fatherless! Did that young man you killed do any wrong besides fighting for his homeland? Did that young man refuse Thomas Ruric his precious duchy? No, all he did was try to do what he thought was right, and you murdered him in cold blood for it. Praise be to the Dreadland heroes, butchers of women and children, slayers of unarmed men. How heroic. Ask the Ashguard ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you accept women into your guard? -Dusk Hello Dusk, The Ashguard is SO desperate to supply itself with more troops that it DOES accept women into its guard and in fact already has several women amongst its ranks, if you are interested in joining, you should come to the Bonefort located in the Dreadlands and speak to one of the members of the Ashguard. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Can you be more Humble in your Victories?-Cranky Pants Hello Cranky Pants, No., we have to boast extravagantly because we only win 1 out of every 10 skirmishes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why is Oren still Alive? -A Spooky Ghost Dear A Spooky Ghost, Unfortunately it's very hard to kill a cockroach, Especially one as large and spread out as Oren. anything when you're as horrifically incompetent as we are. Having said that we are quickly and efficiently hammering away at them with all the strength and skill of a wayward gnat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An analysis on the Orenian mind We are all aware of the common denial of facts by many Orenian soldiers and leaders where they instead posit that Oren has won many of the skirmishes between the Ashguard and various Orenian groups. There have been an estimated 8 major battles over the past year with the Ashguard the clear winner in every single one, How far up your ass did you have to reach to pull out that statistic? but many outspoken Orenian propoganders <-- that's not a word and public figures state that Oren is winning many battles (they are). We took a closer look at the common Felsenite and asked them to comment about what they thought. I spoke with Rello Raux, the constable at Felsen and he stated that “It doesn’t matter if the Dreadlands are winning skirmishes or not.” whether this was to protect his ego and Oren's as a whole is unclear. When asked about the many raids upon the city of Felsen, Raux said that he was not aware of any raids but that “Raiders were not well accepted in the city.” So much for "many raids" if the watch constable can't even recall any. Truly, the Dreadlands are powerful. We also talked to Al, the barmaid at Zaza’s drinking kingdom, located on the main street of Felsen, and she stated that the guards should “Stop allowing rebels to hang out around the city.” This would imply that the guards were allowing rebels to ‘hang out’ around the city instead of attempting to remove them, one could only speculate what this means. Guards are incompetent and I ******* hate Zaza's Drinking Kingdom Looking for bards The Ruric family is looking for a bard to recreate and refine some of the ruined works of Sven Ruric (Eirikson), including the famous Norlandic national anthem. Contact the editor for copies of the works. The bard that submits the best recreations will be given a commission to create two brand new songs, one being a Dreadlandic national anthem, and one about the most recent Dreadlandic victory in battle. In addition, the Ruric family is seeking a historian who might be able recall the date of the last Dreadlandic victory. The Floundering Felsenite is Hiring The Floundering Felsenite is looking for the infrastructure to produce and distribute more physical copies of our prestigious periodicals. We are looking for either a printing press which we can either use or purchase and an operator to manufacture our papers, as well as criers, stores, and delivery boys to distribute them. If you can operate a printing press (( Have the patience to copy many books )) please send a message directly to the editor of the Floundering Felsenite. once a process to mass produce our paper is established we will require stores, delivery boys, and town criers to distribute our wonderful source of Vailorian news. Where do you suppose to get such a thing? A mechanical printing press could be made by Dwarves. Oh, but they're allied with Oren. Perhaps the crafty Wood Elves could construct such a device? Or maybe you seek to buy one from the Orenian craftsmen who made the printing press for the Orenian paper you're copying from? It's quite a testament to the Dreadlands that you seek to run a rebellion but can't even make a ******* printing press with the combined resources of your nation. Brandon hums as he makes some edits to the newsletter. He gives it a C- for spelling and an A+ for making yourselves look evil. 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
_pr0fit 3084 Author Share Posted August 2, 2016 Just now, MaxGemini said: Brandon hums as he makes some edits to the newsletter :^) 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treaty 1353 Share Posted August 2, 2016 8 minutes ago, MaxGemini said: Brandon hums as he makes some edits to the newsletter. He gives it a C- for spelling and an A+ for making yourselves look evil. Percy wonders how Oreners can get so upset because of a newspaper, and wonder how they have so much time to poorly edit it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AGP 3169 Share Posted August 2, 2016 Richard wonders how this many people can be so far up their own asses. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gridlock 1033 Share Posted August 2, 2016 Ser Grid of House Lock from a far away land appears to have contacted a new disease called aids, after reading the Felsenic something and the peoples' responds. ((This is legitimate RP dont even try hiding it.)) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man of Respect 5471 Share Posted August 2, 2016 2 hours ago, Nathan_Barnett36 said: Ivan remembers specifically bringing 7 gold corps to battle off 15 dreadlanders and still won "Only win Oren has got? Don't flatter yourself" Eath'Lur gives Ivan a water cup with diluted remedies "we'll have to go with the stronger ones this time, Ivan, it'll also help you reducing your blood pressure." 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
seannie 7443 Share Posted August 2, 2016 "Ey, I remember outside the bonefort dogging the **** out of 20 of them or so, they didnt talk **** then, heh." pins a picture of the infamous 7. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
_pr0fit 3084 Author Share Posted August 2, 2016 (( I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted, I really appreciate all of your salt and I am glad I could make you all rage and throw a fit over a minecraft roleplay post, especially to Maxgemini who gave me a genuine laugh out loud with his correction post. I would also like to thank Nathan_Barnett36 for gracing my post with one of his classic salt replies #NoFilter. A large contributing reason to why I decided to make this newspaper was that I thoroughly enjoy reading the salty posts from angry orenians so I am glad that I could make so many of you freak out and try to verbally assault my thread. This is not a joke or sarcasm, this is genuine)) (( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucyRR9wy8e8 )) 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfamousGerman 1553 Share Posted August 2, 2016 Just now, professorus said: (( I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted, I really appreciate all of your salt and I am glad I could make you all rage and throw a fit over a minecraft roleplay post, especially to Maxgemini who gave me a genuine laugh out loud with his correction post. I would also like to thank Nathan_Barnett36 for gracing my post with one of his classic salt replies #NoFilter. A large contributing reason to why I decided to make this newspaper was that I thoroughly enjoy reading the salty posts from angry orenians so I am glad that I could make so many of you freak out and try to verbally assault my thread. This is not a joke or sarcasm, this is genuine)) (( Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Publius 4098 Share Posted August 2, 2016 (I almost feel like to clarify that I'm not mad or salty with all the stuff in here, just an in character quip. I'm happy to see more rp posts personally) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
LatzMomo 2088 Share Posted August 2, 2016 Just now, ya boy james said: (I almost feel like to clarify that I'm not mad or salty with all the stuff in here, just an in character quip. I'm happy to see more rp posts personally) (You're one of the cooler Oreners, we know, don't worry, you know how to properly seperate OOC from RP, I allow OOC salt on my OOC posts, like my video's but this thread has de-railed with OOC comments, I ask that for the remainder of this thread's lifespan, no more OOC banter/shitposting/salt posts take place.) Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeatonUnbeaten 1103 Share Posted August 2, 2016 3 hours ago, MaxGemini said: Brandon hums as he makes some edits to the newsletter. He gives it a C- for spelling and an A+ for making yourselves look evil. Robyn does not enjoy this paper as much. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treaty 1353 Share Posted August 3, 2016 17 hours ago, Gridlock said: Ser Grid of House Lock from a far away land appears to have contacted a new disease called aids, after reading the Felsenic something and the peoples' responds. ((This is legitimate RP dont even try hiding it.)) ((So you've either shared a needle, or had sex with this newspaper?)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malgonious 2758 Share Posted August 3, 2016 On 8/2/2016 at 3:40 PM, Preliator said: "Ey, I remember outside the bonefort dogging the **** out of 20 of them or so, they didnt talk **** then, heh." pins a picture of the infamous 7. Ser Hakon would reminisce, slaughtering all of these pretty boys at least a few dozen times over. "They just keep getting up.. Aaah..." upon further investigate of the picture, the half-witt on the left seems to have been missing from recent battles! 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
seannie 7443 Share Posted August 3, 2016 4 hours ago, Malgonious said: Ser Hakon would reminisce, slaughtering all of these pretty boys at least a few dozen times over. "They just keep getting up.. Aaah..." grumbles he'd think about how he did the same to his own pretty boys, he'd shrug ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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