An Intro to an Older Player

[MamaBearJade 2090]

Well, I don't know if I ever did an intro post, and if I did, it has been many years. So, here goes nothing I guess.

 

I have gone by Jade for many years, loved the name since I first saw Jackie Chan Adventures, yes, I am old. I originally used the name in an old story I wrote one that shall never see the light of day. I mean who wants to read about shapeshifting elves under the rule of a demonic king, right? Anyways. I joined Lord of the Craft back in 2013, back when we had QrQs and a harder time getting on. I still feel bad for the AT who had to read my application. Before joining this server, I was an avid forum roleplayer who would write posts of 5 to 10 paragraphs, albeit I have slacked since then. You can probably imagine the lengthy application I made for this server. This server has served as my social outlet since I live out in the boonies (or middle of nowhere). I joined my friend's small group, Drone, Kizu, and Dante were the first people to really become my friend on this server. I probably would have left if Drone wasnt pushing me to be around.

 

The people here helped me get through my father's heart surgery. I had an outlet so I didn't stress as much. Slowly this became a second world to me, a community I had come to rely on. I slowly took on new characters that some of you may remember. Kaila Horen-Hightower will forever remain my most treasured character. Salvus of Anthos was always attacked, and I usually was a target. I took things in stride and enjoyed my time on her, even with some OOC harassment. To say I got better is regrettably untrue. As some of my closer friends vanished, banned from the server or just left, I slowly fell into groups that were more toxic. I let myself get close to some that began to change me, without knowing it.

 

I ended up severing friendships with people, then banned for a month for toxic behavior with another player. While I was banned, I found myself working on another server for a short time, before returning at the end of my ban with an appeal. However, this was when I noticed things had changed. I grew slowly more paranoid, allowed myself to see the player as no longer my friend, but someone out to make my roleplay experience unbearable. I grew closer to Kizumachan and CJmate, relying on them to keep me somewhat sane, didn't work. Around this time, Kizu and I got caught up in another player's toxicity. Needless to say he was eventually permanantly banned and Kizu left the server for a time.

 

Dakirennis then became a good friend at the end of Anthos and through all of the Fringe. We grew close, had great talks and worked to make dark elves better, together. Baconthief had left the server but kept me in close contact. I became friends with Zero and Darklord, finding out that things were getting more complicated. It was around this time Elad and I grew close and I started staying in teamspeak more with the admins in my private channel. However, per usual, I tend to muck things up with my friends. Thales turned to be a land where I lost many friends. Dark became distant and I was dumb enough to admit I had feelings for another friend. It unfortunately made the friendship akward, and I kept making it worse.

 

By the end of Thales, I left the dark elf community and stayed more to myself. Meta became a good friend and I started keeping to myself. Athera was when I joined the druid community and learned so much about many of the people there. The staff was ready to ban me due to issues between myself and the previous player I had been banned with. I kept my distance and wanted them to do the same. We almost were able to rp together again, but when one of my friends started getting harassed, I assumed it was because of the player and immediately cut all ties and RP.  As Athera closed with the harvester event, I withdrew from the community to try and focus on myself.

 

Around this time, I was dealing with the loss of a job, depression, and many other things. I felt alone and scared, not wishing to be part of a community that seemed to have abandoned me as much as I did it. I returned on another map and immediately became close friends to Hedgehug. This player, had helped me through so much, I wish I deserved such an awesome friend as that. I kept mostly to myself for much of the maps. Roleplaying a little with a few others but really felt withdrawn. Then last year, everything changed. My grandmother, a woman who raised me like her own daughter, passed away from serocis and c-dif, it was a slow death that had me shattered.

 

I did my best to be strong, but it was very difficult. Those closest to me knew how much I struggled to keep myself together. I kept my mourning to myself around my family, but broke down around my closest friend, Hedge. Then everything started to go downhill.  I got into a confrontation with another player and vented to a friend. Unfortunately, my venting was sent to the player and things became very uncomfortable. I was soon given a six month ban for harassment, one I still feel I deserved, despite not agreeing with it. I managed to appeal after four months but immediately felt a change with the people around me. 

 

Now, I know I am a paranoid person, I know I am a mess most of the time. However, the month I returned to the server, an old childhood friend of mine, asked me to marry him. Why he would want to be with someone like me, I will never know. He saw something in me I still do not see. I started playing the server less and less. I grew to depend on him to be my outlet. Then in February of this year, we were officially married. I admit, I am still finding it hard to believe. That following March, we had a wedding in which we invited some people from LotC and I couldnt have been happier. One of them even "officiated" the wedding out of a DnD book. Blessed Be.

 

Through the five years I have been on this server, I have changed, both good and bad I guess. My depression and anxiety have gotten worse, though more due to pregnancy being something that really affects your mood. Yes, I am old enough to be a mother. I have had times where I ended up in the hospital due to the depression. I am seeing a therapist for my depression and anxiety, yet there are days where I feel even she isnt helpful. I ended up losing a job I absolutely loved due to by pregnancy. I ended up withdrawing from many people. I have lost friends, made a few, and learned that one of my ex's never got over me and got pissed, sending me a lovely note about how toxic I am.

 

Why am I writing this all out? Its not to really get anyone to feel sorry for me. Its to let people know who I am. I will overthink, stress, worry, and get upset with every interaction I have with someone I meet. I assume the worst and have it in my mind that most of this server would celebrate should I truly vanish. Its a twisted thought. I stare at my discord and often ask if anyone on there would miss me, or if I am annoying them. I admit my faults, many of which I know I blow out of proportion. However, there are those few who will reach out, just to ask if I am okay, or to see if I need something. As of now, I am uncertain how much longer I will be apart of this community.

 

I have made a few new friends, enjoyed some fantastic roleplay, and finally got back into drawing. However, because of my job loss, the pregnancy, and another surgery lined up for my father, I am uncertain if I am even stable enough to shoulder it all. Some have already seen me starting to crumble. I roleplay maybe a few hours a week anymore, and often only with one or two people. I try to keep my head low, and only speak up when I need to. I try to avoid lashing out at people who have hurt me or started spreading lies. Instead, I try to just focus on myself and my character development. Yes I am older player, but that does not make me mature. Some people just never grow up.

 

I am sorry to those I have hurt in the past and present. I am trying to change, and I have no excuse for why I am the way I am. I apologize to anyone reading this entire thing as it seems like some sob story now that I read it. But that is the Jade you all havent really gotten to know. Most know me as an angry, opinionated, stubborn player. I however, love talking to people. I love being someone people can turn to for advice or help, it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I like talking about animals, baby things, and even art. I love just having communication with people, just because it makes things seem less lonely in my life. You dont have to comment, I just felt like opening up a little. And yes I feel stupid.

[kingnothing 571]

+1

be safe jade

[Guest]

You have improved tremendously, take that as a chance to continue boosting yourself up and working to become the best person you can be. I wish you the best of luck with everything!

[MamaBearJade 2090]

Thanks, I am trying to grow. I just hope people can learn forgiveness, whether i deserve it or not

[Wrynn 1349]

Glad to hear an introduction ? Hopefully we'll get a chance to speak sometime.

[Auriel_ 652]

Throughout the past year alone I've known you to be an outstanding individual, past whatever faults you know of and trials you've gone past.

[Archipelego 2188]

You aight

[Man of Respect 5471]

I never got to truly know you but I've always respected you, don't let yourself to be beaten down by the opinion of some W E A K individuals, keep your head up and spit on these roaches like ???????

 

my father's also went through a surgery and I know how it feels, come talk with me if you need anything because I also like talking about babies

 

BLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[DahStalker 3692]

❤️

[monkeypoacher 8055]

completely ridiculous that you were considered a problem player in the first place tbh, the worst thing you ever did was be mildly irritating to the wrong people. but hey, self-reflection is always good

[ThatGuy_777 220]

I'm glad we've become friends and I hope you stay healthy and happy!

[SpiltMemes 368]

You rock

[JEEGK 1367]

Moved to The Great Library. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.

 

If you feel this is a mistake, please contact myself or any FM and we'll restore it.