The Dunshire Police Golem

[NotEvilAtAll 10906]

 [!] A note is pinned to a somewhat cracked Dunshire Notice Board

The Dunshire Police Golem!

~The halflings inspect the new Golem~

What a blessing from Knox! A golem has been found and put to use by the ex-sheriff Angelica Woodstock for the purpose of protecting Dunshire! This Golem ought to keep us all safe from no-good bigguns and bandits!

 

RULES FOR THE GOLEM:
-Do not pet the Golem

-Do not feed the Golem

-Do not insult the Golem

-Do not praise the Golem

-Do not call the Golem anything other than "Phalanx"

-Do not get in the way of the Golem

-Do not play pranks on the Golem

-Do not do anything to the Golem at all other than watch it for flaws.

Please remember to repair any damage that might be caused by the Golem's lack of direction.

Dunshire's Police Department will not be held responsible for any injuries, deaths, or damages caused by improper use of the Golem

Any issues with the Golem should be reported to the Sheriff's Office or Angelica Woodstock immediately.

 

Long Live Dunshire!

-Daisy Applefoot, Deputy of Dunshire

[Gallic 1066]

9 minutes ago, NotEvilAtAll said:

-Do not play pranks on the Golem

A sprite that vacations in dunshire feels targeted, and thus develops an even more adamant sense of mischief and mirth.

[jdesarno 381]

7 hours ago, NotEvilAtAll said:

-Do not pet the Golem

 

"B-buh.. I wanna pet the golem.." Murmured Thorvn, a sniffle hidden behind the ivory white mask.

[ldjulius 22]

*Darcy walks up to the note, placing his own short story next to it for all to read.*

 

I've copied this tale in me own records fer keepin' in me library. Perhaps I'll make a copy o'this n' other tales fer keepin' in the Dunshire library as well! 

 

As I've always said, Cottonhills are terrible with keeping records, but we're just as bad at remembering rules--which is why we often inadvertently break them. So, I apologize in advance fer this story. But, this is certainly a tale that must be told!

 

I was out fishin' juz the o'er mornin' (lucky me, I caught a pearl! n' a heap o' lakefish) when I saw the ole golem standing stock still at the bottom o' Lake Dunshire. I was shocked, thinkin' maybe he was broke or stuck or dead. So, o'course I shouts to the bloke, "Oi! Wha're'ye doin' down there?" 

 

Course e' couldn' hear me, I tossed me line out at em' a couple o' times. Smacked em' twice with me fishin' rod's bobber, but he didn' move a budge! 

 

So I jumped in after em' thinkin' for sure  the ole' chum was busted down at the bottom o' the lake. I get ta swimmin' out to em' an lo'n'behold he comes right out I'm the wa'er, carryin' me with him! Oi guess e' thought I's in distress? But I was tryin' ter save his rocky butt (o' course I hadn't thought about how to a wee one like me was gonna drag a 9 foot tall golem outta the lake...)

 

So we get back ter the shore--he was draggin' me outta the wa'er by me bare feet. After a bit, after shakin' off the water from me overalls, I got back to fishin', askin' the ole golem questions an what not about why e's down there swimmin'.

 

Roun' that time, I'd say it was after elevenses or maybe second lunch,  this Dwarf (e' kept callin' himself a Dwed...) comes swaggerin' up all confident n' such. No tellin' where he came from. I think he said where, but I wasn't payin' no attention. An given the look on e's face (and all the trouble we been havin' in Dunshire) I was expectin' nothin' but trouble. Jus then, the stone giant starts up shoutin' "MUST. PROTECT. LEAVE. DUNSHIRE. KILL. DWED. INVADER." in that monotone voice e's got.

 

And so the Dwed starts talking history, how this golem is a Dwed golem, how he's gone rogue. How, if we Alflins' aren't careful, he's gonna blow up Dunshire fer good. I was feelin' tired from all the fishin' (and uninterested in the stranger's history lesson), so I fell asleep on the dock. 

 

I woke up to hear Phalanx shouting again, "HERE. TO. PROTECT. THE. WEAK. ONES. AM. NOT. OWNED. BY. DWEDS." With his big axe raised high above the Dwarf's head, like he was going to smack him dead. Suffice it to say, the ole Dwarf buggered off. And I praised the ole golem (breakin' the rules...SORRY!). 

 

Then I starts to askin' him lots o' questions. But he's all standoffish. Says, "WILL. NOT. TELL." So I pushed him some, beggin' him for a story. I sat down on a pumpkin by the dock, and he starts to open up n' tell me about e's life. I wuz askin' him, "where you come from?" and "who made you?" and what not.

 

It was just around then the bugger picks me up! He puts me on his shoulder n' carries me outta Dunshire! He was tellin' me his whole life's story while we're walkin'. And I'm riddin' the stone bugger like a bear! CAN YE BELIEVE IT?! I RODE HIM! (this was certainly against all the rules, but he put me up there himself!) 

 

Intermittently along our way, he's walkin' round Dunshire shoutin' "VILLAGE. IS. SAFE. MUST. STAY. ALERT."  And I'm 9 foot up in the air yellin' "YE' BIGGUNS DON' STAND A CHANCE NOW, STINKERS! TRY N' BANDIT DUNSHIRE NOW YE NINNYS!" I'll admit a got a wee bit carried away. It's not everyday ye' get ter ride a Golem and see the world from 9 foot up! I felt like a Biggun! Nay! I felt like a pointy eared Elf! 

 

And so the big, stone bugger takes me fishin'! FISHIN'! He walks me square up to the big bay just west o' Dunshire (the one that leads out to the sea and Haelunor) and he juz lets me fish! Jus stands there in the shallows of the salty water n' says "WEE. ONE. CAN. CATCH. SATLY. FISH. NOW. PHALANX. WILL. PROTECT." And there we stayed well after moonrise catchin' perch n' herrin' n' all sorts of other saltys. We fished late into the night. Talking n' fishin' n' eating biscuits n' jam. 

 

I told him he was a joy. I told him he was a friend. (praising him, and breakin' another rule). And he asks me, "what's joy." And, "what is friend?" And I'm no teacher! I tried to tell him some jokes. But he didn't know how to laugh! Or what jokes was! I asked him, "why'd the Golem cross the path?" and he just started at me like a hoot owl at night. I says, "He didn't! He was stone still" And I nearly fell off his shoulders laughing!

 

But look: I'm just a fisherman and a poet. I don't teach nothin'! So I tried to explain human emotions and laughter and jokes to a stone beast... an lemmie tell ye: it went as well as ye'd expect. Nowhere. Ha! But our conversation was wonderful all the same. And we made a strong connection, I'd like ter believe. But how can ye tell when yer tryin' make friends with a big ole' rock. 

 

Anyways, he carried me home, close to daybreak. We wuz both tired as hell, or as tired as a golem can get (I was dog tired myself!), and I reached out my hand and says, "Fist bump, buddy!" and wouldn't ya know, the son of a stone reached out his big fist n' bumped me back! His bump knocked me right on me rump! We both laughed. Or...er.. I laughed n' he made this strange, "Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah." noise in that monotone voice o' his. 

 

It was the best o' days I've had in Dunshire in many a moon.

 

This golem is a gift from Knox. Or Squidlord Arugula. Ye can't ever be sure when it comes to the gods.

[Lirro 80]

Theyre turning Dunshire into a police state. How surprising