The Rurikid Theatre

[SyndicatedColumnists 48]

The Rurikid Theatre

A Review by Critics of the Arts

 

We writers were most intrigued by your most recent performances. We will examine these, act by act, in an honest review of your work.

 

ACT I. The Warhawk

Godric, cutting down a man he’s hanged because he forgot he was on his side.

 

Here, we find your character in a strange predicament. Aligned against the Uruks for some time, you and the Lord Protector stood side by side. Yet not long after his death, relations with Peter III turned sour. You accused Haensemen of killing a merchant, when it was in fact not a man of Morsgrad at all, and nor was he killed. Many of us had seen this play before. You were playing the part of the warhawk, finding whatever reason you could to kill Haensemen for the deep-seated grudge you and the dragonsblood you align with have.

 

From Why We Fight, 1744

 

You claim in this document that the people of Oren aggressed, but not once did they march into your land, or the land of any other. Capturing a few Lorrainians in an empty city does not constitute full scale invasion. You have thrown away all narrative cohesion. You pretended that calling Haense to fight in a field to the death was reasonable and right, and refused to quit the field when the Emperor wished for reason and trial in place of senseless bloodshed. This is a prime example of attempting to appear strong and decisive, when in truth you were hunting for blood to spill.

 

A noble man, a reasonable man, would have been written to have the rationale of something more than a cucumber. This character has, instead, rallied folk across the planet to a false cause by citing grievances which do not constitute the total war you (where women and children are killed and no single person has freedom to walk the roads unmolested) have embarked on. Instead, it constitutes nothing more than a proper conversation between leaders of people, who seek the best for their fellow man. In this, we find your character to not be particularly believable.

 

ACT II. The Nobleman 

Godric, attempting to cure a victim of Morsgradie Mould.

 

You have duly managed to, without batting an eye, wear the mask of one who cares for others and their health and sovereignty. You will be acclaimed critically, no doubt, for acting as though you did not murder the Governor-General, Ester Devereaux, in cold blood. And to think, only some years ago you issued an edict banning all Curonians from your land to spite them, and then you invite them to meet with you. A worse actor would have failed at this endeavor. Even so, you have managed to convince your legion of bandits and psychotic murderers that you are genuine in your ask for peace. Surely only such a brilliant liar would be capable of producing such crocodile tears. 

 

There was a massive error in the continuity of your play, however, when you claimed to give the Kingdom of Curon Ester’s body for the last rites.

 

And also, this passage,

From Concerning a Rose, 1745

 

You can’t try and make a brutal and heinous character but then have him pretend to be honorable, noble and sympathetic when it suits the author. First, you claim you delivered her body to be properly laid to rest, and then you put on the mask of the honorable man who allows his enemy to grieve. You do this because it benefits you, because you did not know the Curonian Prince would see straight through it. Once your character discovered he was indeed not going to sugar the Prince into submission, you returned to your ways.

 

From A Request for Godric, 1746.

 

How can a man who cared for last rites ransom the head of a woman he claims to respect back to her family? Is this honor, or goodness? I think not.

 

ACT III. The Bandit King

Godric, telling his men, ‘You idiots, if you keep killing everyone on the road I’ll have to pretend you’re not my friends!”

 

Our most recent installment is a short act thus far. You will, and have done everything you can to ensure you have as many allies as you can possibly have. You have galvanized a world seeped in anarchy to destroy civilization, and no better example is there than your bandit allies.

 

In the promulgation of this conflict, we have seen two contributing members of the Alliance of Independent States commit heinous acts against both their allies and the neutral dwed. The characters here interact in an almost unbelievable way. How could this happen? Why?

 

First, let us examine the nature of this Alliance. It was created in order to fight the Empire, and it's only goal was to gather as many different people as possible. This is strange behavior from a character, the Duke, which seeks to do the righteous good of all sovereign people. Include even bandits and vagabonds from a righteous crusade for justice.

 

The Bandits of Ruswick are the first of those who crawled into the AIS knowing it would protect them so they could freely practice banditry and killing. This Saint’s Week, they captured and killed a dwed in good standing with the Underking, forcing the dwedmer to issue demands that everyone break off their alliance with the Ruswickian vagabonds.

 

Now, the Bandits of Lorraine. Their part in this is not surprising, it’s a scene we’ve seen before. They have captured, ransomed and perhaps even killed children, both human and high elven. They have no regard for rule of law or the favor for the goodness of GOD and our fellow men. 

 

If the Morsgradi alliance had not been threatened by the dwed, they would not have expelled Ruswick from their alliance. They care not for the morality or honor of the thing, they care only if it affects their ability to cause havoc and win fights. They will use anyone, even bandits and murderers, to achieve their anarchy. This does not align with the traditional ideals of honor and justice that the characters in this act seem to wish to display.

 

These characters did not say to themselves ‘Oh, there are bandits in my alliance, I must do something about that!’. 

 

They said, ‘Drat, those bandits I have in my alliance are starting to cause trouble. I better throw them away so the dwed don’t tip the scales in my enemy’s favor.’

 

I wonder what vagabonds will next reveal themselves from within the ranks of this Bandit King. What nation will make demands of Duke Godric after one of his comrades kills a child or a member of a neutral party. If we’re following the story correctly, and I think we are, the recurring themes are doomed to return.

 

IN SUMMARY

 

Godric is peaceful, but hunts for reasons to launch full scale invasions and end countless lives.

 

Godric is honorable, but kills women he claims that he honors in cold blood and drops their headless bodies as a warning.

 

Godric is just, but hires bandits to do his bidding until they cause too much trouble for him to handle.

 

The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author.

Published by the Syndicated Press.

 

[rukio 8924]

Edyth would look ashamed. ”Kogami was a merchant and guard of Morsgrad. If only I had rode south alone that day, without Eleanor. Or if only Kogami had stayed in Morsgrad. I still don’t understand why he was in Haense, but now it’s too late to find out. I wish this all could have been avoided.” The guilt of it all would weigh heavily on her soul. 

[LithiumSedai 5750]

“These missives might have held some weight half a century ago,” mused a Waldenian collector of propaganda and fan-fiction. “Yet you forget yourselves in that you’re not Renatia – you’re a puppet corpse of the former Reich dancing on the strings held by Crows posing as Dragons, usurpers who hunger for what is not theirs, who have already put to the sword ancient nobility and gentry of better stock than any man of your Oren Godric could ever execute, to replace them with Vessian upstarts and the various Carrion off-shoots and bastards. Whatever moral superiority you think you claim is long gone, and the hurried string of these leaflets tells me you’ve no more fighting men left to spill their guts for the Carrion cause. See you next year in Helena!” he concluded, whistling a Daelish war tune as he slipped another hilarious missive into his collection.

[squakhawk 14040]

“When will this fake-war end, it is merely scripture of jaded men who claim victim against an opponent who does not care, as the war had a price; and it was yet to be paid. Is ten-thousand really the price of blood, pride, and crocodile tears waged in a war where child soldiers are sent, then half a decade later you make letters about how they died and that makes you sad?

Pathetic.”

Pondered a very based Renault.

[ReveredOwl 5639]

21 minutes ago, SquakHawk said:

“When will this fake-war end, it is merely scripture of jaded men who claim victim against an opponent who does not care, as the war had a price; and it was yet to be paid. Is ten-thousand really the price of blood, pride, and crocodile tears waged in a war where child soldiers are sent, then half a decade later you make letters about how they died and that makes you sad?

Pathetic.”

Pondered a very based Renault.

“Oren does not send child soldiers into battle, it is you who do that. I recall the child-duke of Rubern attempting a failed rescue attempt in Helena when they captured Doctor Daniel.” said Farley.

[Crevel 7557]

A silence stills the air before a stern voice of the feline takes over in a Disney-style monologue,

“No.. this.. now this is absolute codswallop. How can these so called writers of theatrics misconstrue the intentions of Master Godric? It wasn’t on the orders of Master to have the Lady Curon beheaded! The Duke is a kind and noble gentleman, dedicated to the pragmatic revival of the Highlander peoples.“

 

The Chamberlain stands at a safe distance away in the doorway of the palace master bedroom, observing the slumber of the snoring Duke with the same respect as a mother has watching her tired children bringing themselves into a deep sleep. Mister Muffins shifts his gaze between the article in his paws and the Duke. The paper begins to fold, fine creases being placed throughout.

“Master... I do hope you make something of this. I cannot stand how these vagrants masked behind ‘literacy’ falsify your intentions and actions for political gain. I won’t let it happen.“

 

The article lay on a table within Godric’s lodgings, placed next to it is a slice of a masterfully baked elderberry tart.

 

[trinn 5146]

"Sorry, who was it that initially hired and fought with the Ruswick bandits?" Lyanna leans forward, cupping her ears to the invisible entity of the writer.

 

"Ah, yes, Oren. Go back to prostating yourself to your lich of an emperor and his ***** of a wife."

[Narthok 10416]

Godric wakes up at 10am in the morning and is alerted that another piece of fan fiction was published, Mister Mittens handing him the document as he’d rise from his sleep. He’d blink looking at the large collection of words and shrug “Too long not going to read this” he’d grunt getting up to go and take a bath “Always love hearing from my fans though” he’d say as he’d roll out of bed and begin to stride around the palace in his satin pyjamas wondering if he had any cinnamon and sugar in the pantry for a breakfast of cinnamon toast

[Harri 4815]

Daniel reads over this comedic report, nodding his head along as he found the humour written into every line. Despite being awful fighters, they were great at entertainment, these Orenians! He shoves the papers into his satchel of assorted documents, pressing his hands together and uttering a quick prayer to the great deceiver, the great squid above.

[_Bueno_ 492]

Augustar Ragnarsunn Tiber screams out of anguish upon reading this letter for the Great Deceivah! has been angered. “Oren pay weregild not Godric.”