Garukumus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy_TB6onHVE

Crayfish is bad GM because nobody listens to what he says. Too friendly. Can't take seriously. Very polite. Much meme. Wow. Also very easy to tell what he is going to say in response. Easy troll bait. Get your reaction fishing rods in the pond, boys.

Great with a side of butter or deep fried; not to mention being one of the most community minded and friendly GMs we've ever had. Oh... and I guess he's a pretty swell guy too. *Garukumus is not responsible for any bias in the above evaluation. Please send all complaints to Drakehaze. Expect replies within 48** business days. **48 is an arbitrary number which has no bearing on the reality of the situation. Good luck with your snail mail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yBajL2AAAQ

Kingdom of Sarmatia In response to the agreement between the great Seljuk and King Soslan, all trade on the northern branch of the Silk Road is redirected south towards Persia instead of west towards Europe. In practice, this would cut Europe off from almost all sources of luxury goods and significantly effect the profits of the merchant republics in-particular. In order to further solidify relations with the Levant, letters are sent to Athanasius VII bar Qutrah, Syriac Patriarch of Antioch and all the East, to replace the bishops of Sarmatia with Syriac priests instead. Relations are not cut off with Rome, however, and Soslan sends a letter to the Papacy as well, assuring the Pontiff that Sarmatia will indeed participate in the Crusade and, in fact, he can be held accountable if he is not the single greatest contributor in the Holy Wars in the east for the next year at least. To keep on this promise, Soslan has raiders sent to round up all the Tengri and pagan worshipers to be put on trial before their local officials. If they repent and join the Syriac church, they will be left alone. If they do not, they will be deported to Cumania. Furthermore, most of the military is mobilized to the northern border. War games are held outside the capital of Soslanad, and horsemanship and chariot races take place in the new arena. It seems that Soslan is preparing for something, but it looks like it will not come to fruition for some time now. ((Climbing Mount Saint Helens this weekend. Wont be on.))

Kingdom of Sarmatia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__29A8qWkrc These past few years of peace have allowed Sarmatia to stabilize internally. Georgia, now known colloquially as Colchis, and Derbent, now known as Albania, have been all but brought into the fold as provinces of the Sarmatian kingdom. Since the army has had a few years off, though it is still diminished in number considerably after the past wars, has been brought to Soslanad to train. The different provinces of the kingdom have been given different specialties, with scholars being brought in from Constantinople to train new recruits and veterans alike. To start, the Colchians history of spear and shield warfare began to be expanded upon. Details from ancient texts and the skills of the Greek scholars in conjunction with a strict Sarmatian training regiment began to oil the gears of what would soon be a skilled Colchian phalanx branch of the army. With spear and shield, they would work together in their ranks to defend against the cavalry forces of Turk and European alike. Training will take about a year to be completed. ((2 pages)) The Sarmatians themselves are given no slack. Horsemanship is a prized trait within the kingdom, and the construction of a Circus Maximus style rink for horse races is to begin construction. ((3 pages)) Further more, the mounted regiments of the army are expanded and trained to work in more organized sweeps with lance, javelin, and bow. Charges should now be more effective against light infantry, and projectiles more precisely aimed and delivered. ((2 pages)) King Soslan and his wife, the sister of the client king of Colchis, have had a newborn son whom they have christened Khetaga. With the succession secure, the king is more willing to take risks with his own life, though he is all the more wary about the future of this kingdom he has forged. As such, a message is sent to the Seljuk Sultan, offering the redirection of the northern branch of the Silk Road towards Persia rather than down the Black Sea towards Europe in exchange for a guaranteed peace between the Seljuks and the Sarmatians. These negotiations are top secret, of course.

Kingdom of Sarmatia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STiPr1C3CN8 The war with Georgia drags on. After looting some of the northernmost settlements in minor raids and battles, the first major conflict finally happened along the plains of Abkhazia. Lord Itaz furrowed his brow, riding up next to King Soslan as he gazed over the battlefield from their hilltop position. Before them in the valley was a wall of spearmen in phalanx, three regiments in total. The phalanx closest to the mountains flew the Lion and Bull on Red, representing the Lord of Kartli. The phalanx closest to the shoreline flew the Golden Horseman on green and white, which could only be attributed to the Lord of Abkhazia. In the center, of course, was the largest of the three regiments. It flew the red cross of Saint George; namesake of the Georgian kingdom. Itaz glared before him, spitting at the dirt at his horse's hooves. "My king, this battle would destroy us. The Georgian dogs outnumber us by a half, and they are equipped with heavy armor, spears, and thick shields. They have trained to fight the cataphracts of the Persians for centuries. They fight only horses. We have no chance. Look before you. Even the lord of Kartli is with them, who you said would support you in your conquests!" Soslan merely smiled to Itaz, rubbing his newly shaved face as his gingerly held his horse's reins in his other hand. "Ah, Itaz. You still think like a barbarian. Not everything is so simple as numbers or strength; and very few things can be told from just the first glance. Ready your men. You will be taking half the army down the shoreline to charge their left flank. Trust me at least in my command. Have I not proven that to you, at least?" Itaz snorted, reining his horse around to ready his horsemen to fight. The battle began as the sun hit it's highest point in the sky. Itaz's flank broke off first, moving down the shoreline toward the Abkhazian regiment, who turned their tight phalanx toward the approaching horsemen. Soslan's flank dove straight for the main Georgian army in the center. Javelins and arrows were thrown and shot at the phalanxes, doing little to no damage, before the Sarmatian lances were retrieved for the change. Then... the incredible happened. The regiment from Kartli charged down the hill at the rest of the Georgian army from their right flank, axes and spears flailing at their backs and sides. Now the Georgians were the ones outnumbered by a half, and flanked on both sides. Georgia was broken. The remaining parts of the army retreated up into the Caucasus mountains to fight another day as Sarmatia now controlled all of Georgia but the most remote mountain fortresses; from Karlti to Abkhazia. As Soslan reviewed the battlefield, where dead Sarmatii and Georgii alike were being prepared for burial-mounds, he came across the corpse of Itaz, still clenching his horse's reins and lance tightly. As one of his attendents came up behind him, Soslan merely smirked. "He always wanted to die a hero's death. We require a fortress here. Name it Itazhas in his honor." After the battle, Soslan returned to Soslanad in Sarmatia proper, though he did not do so alone. With him he took the daughter of the Lord of Kartli (who now went by the title Paddzax of Colchis) for their wedding in the newly completed church. The city now completed, it was merely a matter of making it livable. Gifts were sent to all the lords from the newly completed gold mines, and new armor was being made from the ore collected out of the reopened iron mines. The great host of Sarmatia as well is disbanded, allowed to go home and sire new children, and begin farming their vast land. The Pope is asked to appoint bishops across the Kingdom of Sarmatia, and treasures from Derbent and Tblisi are sent as good will, as well as a solid gold fleece as reference to the ancient traditions.

Kingdom of Sarmatia Seeing the ancient cities and texts in Derbent was a wake-up call to King Soslan. His own people lived in tents, and grew beards on their faces. They did not make fine metalwork or literature. Not even a way to write down their language. This all had to change. Using the captured Azerbaijanis from Derbent, Soslan decided to create an alphabet for the Alan language in the Semitic style of Assyrian, Hebrew, and Arabic. This would take quite some time to create, and even longer to teach to the population. ((6 pages)) The construction of the new capital on the shore of the Terek river was going smoothly. Stone was easy to come by, and the architectural assistance of the Persian, Greek, and Arabic texts from Derbent, along with the expertise of the Azerbaijani builders was allowing for a well done capital city. In his honor, Soslan decided to christen it Soslanad. In order to increase his legitimacy as well, Soslan decided to change the official name of the kingdom to that which it was called by the ancient Greeks and Romans; Sarmatia. Taking the Caucasian Leopard as his emblem, he had his horse outfitted with a leopard-hide mantle, as well as a cloak for himself out of only the whitest of leopard furs. The famous quantities of iron and gold ore in the northern Caucasus are set to be exploited. New mines to harvest the minerals and quarries to gather stone are to be set up within the next few years, greatly increasing the quality of the kingdom's weapons, armor, tools, and wealth. ((2 pages)) In terms of Georgian conflict, Soslan immediately readies all the king's horses and all the king's men, making way not for the mountains or south to Derbent and around that direction as would probably be expected, but rather northwest to the western-most edge of the Caucasus mountains. Once there, the horsemen would travel east again to the other side in Abkhazia, thereby avoiding the mountainous terrain which would harbor Georgia's most fortified positions, due to their history of fighting the Persians, and rather bring his horsemen right into the flatlands and rich port towns of Georgia on the Black Sea; Perfect for a cavalry-based army to loot. A message is also sent to the lord of Kartli, vassal of Georgia; "It is good to know that there are fellow Alans still ruling in other parts of the world. Tell us, though; Why do you serve a weak Georgian? When have they, in their many campaigns, ever been able to subdue the moslums of Derbent? We, your countrymen did it in a year. I realize that you are a Bagritoni. You have claim to the throne of Georgia, though you are also our brother in culture and blood. Join me, and I will make you King of Georgia as a member of the great Sarmatian Nation."

Kingdom of the Alans After almost a year of raid and siege, the Emirate of Derbent finally surrendered to the Alan horde. Soslan himself paraded through the city streets, symbolically opening the ancient Alexandrian Gates meant to keep the hordes out of Persia.With this new land acquisition and access to ancient records, Soslan declares himself Paddzax of Sarmatia and Caucasian Albania. The inhabitants of Derbent itself are distributed throughout Sarmatia proper as slaves. As Soslan admired the ancient Sassanid architecture of the city, he had many of the Azerbaijani citizens gathered in order to build his capital in the same architectural style. ((3 pages)) As the horde rode back north in victory to the soon to be capital, Soslan and his council met with the Byzantine delegation. While some of the chiefs voiced their anger at the insolence of the aging nation, Soslan held his tongue. A private message was sent back to the Basileus. While looking through the ancient texts, Soslan sees that the Kingdom of Albania once held land now belonging to the Kingdom of Georgia. Seeing an opportunity, he sends a delegation to Tbilisi asking the Georgian king to surrender his eastern-most provinces to the rightful king of Albania, or he will be relieved of them by force.

Kingdom of the Alans The Emir of Derbent's answer was quite clear. His slaves brought back two gilded boxes to the camp of King Soslan. Most of the chiefs smiled smugly at this, but Soslan was not so easily convinced. When he ordered the chests opened, their contents were revealed, shocking and disturbing the assembly; the heads of the messengers were within, melted gold forever trapping their expressions in agony. The messengers from Derbent received no better treatment. Of the three, two had their eyes taken out, and the third relieved of his tongue and hands. Tied together, they were told to make their way back to Derbent with no message but themselves. In the meantime, the troops were mobilized for an assault on Derbent itself. The city itself is expected to succumb to siege and remaining territories to raids within the year. ((2 pages)) In response to the message from the Byzantines, Soslan has the messengers transcribe the following message; "Oh great king of the Romans, we are honored by your offer of friendship. However, in recent years you have been proven weak in your defense against the Tartars. We are, of course, willing to change our minds about you. If you are able to crush savage tartar Pechenegs to your north, we will be your fast friends, and support you in all your future campaigns against the tartars; starting with the so called Sultanate of Rum between us, of course. If you do take us up on our offer, I also suggest we begin dividing up the lands of the tartars between us as soon as possible. Fair winds to you, king of the Romans."

Kingdom of the Alans The great meeting of the tribes had begun, a host of tents being set up outside one of the most prestigious necropolises of the ancient Sarmatian kings. As celebration full of singing and dancing took place between the delegations of the tribes late into the night, so to did the debate and legislation of the chiefs drone on and on through the moon's passage across the sky. Eventually, however, Soslan was able to make the position of the nation clear. No longer would the Alans be a loose confederation of tribes with a high king, but rather a tight national kingdom under one government. Each chief would provide troops to a central army during wartime. However, it would no longer be all the men and women and children of each tribe who would fight, but only the able bodied men. The rest of the tribes would stay in the cities which they planned to build. This effectively cut the fighting force of the Alanic Kingdom to a third of it's original force, though the quality would be more acceptable. With this new plan in mind, the Alanic Kingdom began it's first military action as a centralized nation. The great host of horsemen from each tribe is sent south to the border of the Emirate of Derbent to receive their answer to the Alanic message. There was much work yet to be done.

Kingdom of the Alans The Alans are known by many names. First they were the Scythians, then the Sarmatians. In the future they will be known as the Ossetians. But in their own language, they are merely... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQMpcGkVDYo The Iron people. Once ruling the vast steppes from Persia to Hungary, the harsh cycle of fate which all hordes face has dawned on them. Younger, more savage horsemen have made their presence on the steppe, and the Alans are all but pushed up against the Caucus mountains. Beaten at their own game of warfare, they have but one choice for survival; civilization. As it stands, the Alans do not yet have a written language, and their practice of religion is almost identical to the Sarmatian worship of the past, though they have changed the names to the God of Christianity and His saints. Their cities as well can barely be called as such, and they have yet to experiment with city-building in any way. All that, however, is in the past. Today; Today Paddzax ((King)) Soslan has ascended the high throne over the Alan tribes. Ambition is the only word which might describe him, if not resentment of the Tartar invaders to the north. The first order of business will be centralizing the Alan tribes under his rule, which he intends to accomplish by creating a capital and starting a council of the tribal leaders there. Of course, capital might be saying a little much, as it will basically be a collection of tents at the moment. ((1 page)) On the issue of international relations, Soslan does what the Alans have always done. A message is sent to the Emir of Derbent with one simple message; "Submit and be our brothers, or die as our foes."