Open Letter To The Grand King

[Lago 2572]

"T'e Grand King Wulfgar Grandaxe, Son of Morgrim, Son of Valen,

Ahm writin' t'e alert yer teh ah travesty goin' on in t'e Kirkja Dverga, that is to say, false images in our representation of the Pantheon. This naturalleh will insult t'e Brathmordakin, so in order t'e revere them properleh ah propose we make a few changes t'e our depiction of the Pantheon so that we represent t'e gods better. Ah understand t'e Pantheon 'as nae been changed since Khorvad was struck from Yemekar's Table over four generations ago, but it's clear that some "artistic licence" has been taken with t'e image of t'e Gods by some of t'e Clergeh! This must be reversed before we incur their wrath!"

"T'e "gods" in question are Anbella and Belka. As all dwarves can tell by empirical observation, there are nae ladeh dwarves. We all know that new dwarves are forged by Yemekar and placed int'e t'e world at t'e Cloud Temple rather than via t'e squisheh method t'e 'umans and elves (the elves very frequently) use t'e make more of themselves. T'e Gods be dwarven, their there are nae lady dwarves, so how are there lady dwarf gods? Ah fear that ah perverted prophet (possibly an Ironborn but probably an Irongut, given their history) who beh attracted t'e Elves and 'umans once edited t'e Pantheon to incorporate "she-dwarves," and as females onleh exist in other races, that means that they've put vile half-breeds int'e t'e Pantheon! Two of our gods ahve been made out t'e be feckin' halflings, or worse, dwarf-elf things!"

 

"As weh all know, dwarves are t'e only race that exists in t'e image of the Brathmordakin, and t'e ahve lesser races at Yemekar's Table is insultin' not onleh tuh us but tuh t'e Brathmordakin themselves. Thus, ah propose t'e followin' changes."

1: "Strike the false god Belka from t'e Pantheon. She beh either t'e creation of ah perverted prophet's mind or a dark creature like Khorvad. She represents throughly non-dwarven attributes, temptin' dwarves to crossbreed with other races and away from the brotherly companionship of true Dwedmar. Tear down her shrines and cast her name int'e t'e pit of taboo with Ondnarch and Khorvad!"

2: "Correct the image of the god we currently call "Anbella". As stated above, there are nae lady dwarves, just vile crossbreeds. T'e call t'e god of hearth "Anbella" is t'e accuse 'em of being a deformed creature and lesser than t'e other gods. Ah propose we rectify this by changin' t'e name t'e Anboris and applyin' this change t'e all t'e scriptures."

Ah eagerly await yer response and how yer intend t'e tackle these insults to t'e Brathmordakin by t'e past clergeh.

Yer loyal subject, Gradluff T'e Pious."

 

[MetaSolaray 242]

Meta would wonder how Ellisa came about....then remember he drew her in a pink dress...

[Lago 2572]

Gradluff considered Ellsia in his research into this. He concluded that the dwarf known as "Bowman" and Ellsia are the same person (you never see them in the same place at the same time), and that Ellsia was not in fact a Lady Dwarf but simply Bowman after an orc cut off his beard and he couldn't stand the shame. This is why Ellsia never had any relations of a "make more dwarves" kind with other dwarves: she had to hide that she was a he.

[Destroyer_Bravo 1054]

Gradluff considered Ellsia in his research into this. He concluded that the dwarf known as "Bowman" and Ellsia are the same person (you never see them in the same place at the same time), and that Ellsia was not in fact a Lady Dwarf but simply Bowman after an orc cut off his beard and he couldn't stand the shame.

 

Bowman would note Ellsia is brown-haired and Bowman is ginger. Also Bowman was last seen in Aegis until a solid two-three months ago.

 

Meanwhile Ellsia hunts for some starks, and also thinks every male dwarf is ugly, without a ******* mint and a cleaned beard (i.e. none).

[Lago 2572]

Gradluff did not consider this, but if challenged on it he states that Bowman's hair is probably brown when he washes it.

 

Also Bowman was last seen in Aegis until a solid two-three months ago.

"EXACTLEH!"

[Destroyer_Bravo 1054]

Gradluff did not consider this, but if challenged on it he states that Bowman's hair is brown when he washes it.

 

Bowman is natural ginger. He just paints extra red for the graying spots

 

 

 

"Ye fuckin' idiot." said Bowman

 

Ellsia walks by, and torches the poster.

[Lago 2572]

He says he's natural ginger...

Gradluff lacks the infiniposter powers of most of Anthos. This being a letter, he does send it directly to the Grand King.

In other news the Legion cautions a beardless dwarf for "accidentally" setting fire to a noticeboard covered in "JOIN THE LEGION" notices and half of the tavern, and reminds another dwarf of the Stark law when he starts talking to himself, although notably not at the same time. Fire is volatile stuff.

[Hiebe 2493]

Snip

[Destroyer_Bravo 1054]

Ellsia spends the rest of the day re-writing "JOIN THE LEGION", while looking outside at a dwarf with a PRESS bucket and a scarflike beard march to Kal'Azgoth "Damn, t'at looked fun"

 

Gradluff hasn't ever seen Fight Club. If he had, he might draw a parallel. He also wouldn't talk about it.

 

Neither Bowman nor Ellsia have any edgy mental diseases.

[Lago 2572]

Gradluff hasn't ever seen Fight Club. If he had, he might draw a parallel. He also wouldn't talk about it.

 

Neither Bowman nor Ellsia have any edgy mental diseases.

 

But they do have precognitive powers it seems!

That, and Ellsia did just set fire to something... IT HAS BEGUN!

[Supremacy 3361]

A dwarf, who inexplicably managed to read the letter would scream at the top of his lungs:

"DIS DWARF BE ROIGHT! PURGE THE FE-MALE DWARVES, FOR THEY ARE NAE OF YEMEKAR'S BROOD! THEN TAK' EACH O THEM FEMALES AN' BURN 'ER AT THE STEAK LOIKE THE LIAR THEY IS!"

[Lago 2572]

Even Gradluff is a little taken aback by the extremist views of the High Elf that is running around Ithrun wearing a fake beard and sunglasses, although he does wonder how you purge something that doesn't exist.

[Charles_Grimlie 1072]

Kjellos the God of Justice sits in one of the thrones of the pantheon, taking a hold of his beard and stroking it as he looks to the two Goddesses, before looking at the aetherial representation of the document confused over the heresy presented by this parchment. He shakes his mighty beard in disagreement thinking the Dwarf is clearly ailed by some sort of maledy which Dungrimm confesses is his fault. Everything is hunky-dorie in the Pantheon.

 

KJELLOS HAS SPOKEN

[Tethras 278]

Farren pauses to ask Gradluff if he's in his right mind? After doing so, he proceeds to break the fourth wall and ask if Lagomorphia has consumed any substances that may cause him to act erratic in the last few hours.

[Kardel 1054]

Kardel hears of this blasphemy and makes a grand speech before everyone, including Gradluff, to school these dwarves of what they are in terms of science. Naturally a bard shows up and starts playing some random epic music.

 

 

"Stupehd Gradluff! E'eryun knous dere be dorven females! Dey be mayde w'en drunk dorves nae cut off enoff o' deir beard tae mayke sons, an' thus da babehs be immature an' defurmed! Females exist, bot dey be anomalities, for we dorves dun 'ave genders! We be able tae repruduce asexually an' prefurm ethanolsynthesys as well, in w'ich we intayke ale an' pruduce eur oun fuud en da presence o' torc'loight!" 

 

Kardel shakes his head, grumbling about how little Gardluff knows about Dwarven anatomy, because dwarves, as we all know, fall under the kingdom of plantae, and not the kingdom of animalia like the other creations of Yemekarr for dwarves are a member of the fungus phylum and thus are the master race.