THE FIRST CLOWNTHOLIC CRUSADE

[colovian fur 8362]

 

“Action is wot keeps this world movin’. Action is wot weh mus do.”

-Verthaik II, High King of Kaz Ulrah

 

 

THE FIRST CLOWNTHOLIC CRUSADE

☩ TO THE COFFINS WITH THE DEAD ☩

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The King of Comedy, the Lord of Laughter; Caius I

 

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TO ALL DENIZENS OF AXIOS,

I, Caius I, King of Comedy and the Lord of Laughter, come to all this day with a decision long overdue. We live in a world plagued by sin, a world that I have come to disdain. Yet, the world is of GOD’s creation, and what are we to let it become driven to filth by mad pagan false deities? By vile magic? We are as slothful as the longest eared Elf if we sit by and allow such to continue. Just this day, as I sat there drinking my morning coffee, I read of an invitation to a Brotherhood of Skeletal Spooks! Right on my table, I nearly choked! That was not funny, it was vile! Immortality is highly immoral, Prenkus is right. As long as we can fight we shall allow no man to live forever. Life must go on as God intended, and we must bear the challenges and burdens of our people: Not cast them into the unholy flame for a deal with the Devil.

 

TO THE BROTHEL OF DEVIRAD,

I spent much of my young life facing your ilk, yet you have the audacity to send a ghoul to my doorstep, to deliver me a note? After all I’ve slain, after all I’ve done, you use these creatures, these men and women who used to have families, as mere messengers? Despiciable. You and your Lustdom will fall, hedonists of Devirad. You are the epitome of what is wrong with our modern world: Living in this free, anarchy society built off of mages and Elves. The shine of Honkbringer shall bring you to heel. As you infect our societies, your ilk seeping into even those of most stubborn will… I will be the soap to clean the wound.

 

TO THE ROTTEN KING OF URGUAN,

You smell of rotten beef, and look like a crushed walnut. You are a false King. I have known many Dwarves among my life, and I know that what you do to your people's tradition is wrong. You will too meet the sole of my shiny red shoes, as I stamp out your little tyranny in the name of the holy St. Clownth.

 

TO ANY ASCENDED PAGAN BRAINMELTER,

Monkey see monkey do. Your vile magic destroyed the peaceful village of Clownetkoski, and after years of being primarily useless to our mortal realm, even in the past failing in your ‘duty’ to defeat the undead: Now, your magic threatens our very world. Your false deity, unchained and meddling in the children of God’s affairs. You too will pay, you will all pay.

 

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EXCERPT FROM THE CARDINAL VOTARY OF THE HOLY CLOWNTHOLIC CHURCH OF ST. CLOWNTH, PRENKUS VON KONIGSBERG

Truly, the numerous signs of undead expansion has proven to us totally that the nation of Devirad is but one more Undead affront on the living, a frontier of expansion into our realms and unto our peoples, with the same intent as all those immortals who came before them- Total victory over the In the case of Devirad, that would be a ‘peaceful’ approach, their tactics primarily revolving around their innocence and the abuses their ‘people’ have suffered, using it as justification to exist, and not only exist, but expand through relentless propaganda. The Ascended however, take a different approach. Focusing more on the mysticism of their “”powers”” through cult like operations, they draw their members from those who strive to discover higher truths and achieve high “”holiness””, yet still are too blind to see the lies of the Temptress they surrender their eternal souls to. But alas, both the fools fail to give the righteous their due: We are not blind, nor fools… No. We see right through their tricks and plots, and no matter the mask they don, the faithful shall forever stand in opposition to them and their sinful, disgusting ways.

 

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The City of Bastion, Capital of the Westerlands circa 1603, three years before its fall.

 

The dead and pagans have already taken too much from our world: Clownetkoski and Bastion are two that are close to home. They were my homes at one point in time.

 

THE FIRST CLOWNTHOLIC CRUSADE IS  THUS DECLARED

GAINST THE DEAD, ASCENDED, AND PREMARITALLY BEDDED

 

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HONKUS HUMEROUS

HIS ROYAL MAJESTY Caius Sigismund I of House Horen, by Clownth's Shiny Red Shoes,The King of Comedy, Lord of Laughter, King of Centerland and Chernarussia, High Sovereign of Pranks, First Duke of the Bean, Virtous Protector of the Holy Emerald Isle Blessed in the name of St. Clownth that houses his flock, Wielder of the Honkbringer, Possessor of the Clown Flute, Axios Administrator, Admiral of this Station, and Captain of the Cursed Cannoli

 

[Pinochet 356]

IVAR SCREAMS LOUD IN REJOICE 

[winterblood 11181]

"Yeehonk," says Sonja Malinov from the Nether.

[KBR 2046]

Holy Clowntholic Monk Penny Clowneth III, trusted adviser of HIS ROYAL MAJESTY Caius Sigismund I of House Horen, by Clownth's Shiny Red Shoes,The King of Comedy, Lord of Laughter, King of Centerland and Chernarussia, High Sovereign of Pranks, First Duke of the Bean, Virtous Protector of the Holy Emerald Isle Blessed in the name of St. Clownth that houses his flock, Wielder of the Honkbringer, Possessor of the Clown Flute, Axios Administrator, Admiral of this Station, and Captain of the Cursed Cannoli, opens his mouth, emitting a wololo to signify to his brethren that it has begun. 

[lawnmowerman 3040]

the sulfurmuncher deputy, orbart, enjoys reading.

[bumblefina 2766]

"AHYES.." screams Margo within the feasting halls of Senntisten. A titter passes through the party before her, dozens of clowns honking, their shiny red shoes squeaking as they stomped joyously. A moment later a near deafening roar erupted as each and every clown began to honk their noses furiously, overcome by the desire to slay degenerates.

[Clayphish 149]

"I like clowns! I hope they bring face painting to the crusade." The Ascended plant lady Opal claps her hands excitedly. 

[Abyssus 487]

"I love me some comedy." Gravelord Yldrathir would mutter

[Chub 11]

Rickon Goodwill would squint at the paper pulling out a pair of comical glasses with an attached nose and mustache and places it on his face.

[devvy 1348]

Moved to The Great Library. It shall be sorted into the appropriate category shortly.

 

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