The Cobbler's Goblet, Issue 1

[Notic 941]

[!] A print newspaper has been placed on every doorstep in Bywater, entitled in large lettering “The Cobbler’s Goblet, Issue 1”.

Heresy Sweeps Bywater?

Thain Cyris to Blame?

Danger and darkness are among us! Our village, which we all value so dearly, has been built upon a monolith of heresy and deceit. We have entered an age of migration which sees foreign halflings that have lived in secluded hamlets since the days of Petyr unite in the Knoxist epicenter of Bywater, most likely by the hand of Lord Knox himself. It is within this age that we must extinguish the villainy that stalks our streets at night and sours our crops by day. I am talking, of course, about the heretic Cyris Collingwood!

The Crimes of Cyris Collingwood

 

Cyris Collingwood, who currently fancies a biggun title indicative of his biggun-like rule, has been known for his ravings of heretical lunacy since the early days of Bramblebury. Historical records show him forming a cult-like following in opposition to Mayor Iris Peregrin’s democratic command, declaring himself “King” by the will of Lord Knox! Records also show that his false holy relic, the so-called “Knoxscalibur”, was not even imbued with the power of Knox! The only recorded shovel of holy property is the Thain Unification Shovel, which is in Cyris’ possession! So, why then does he continue to use a false relic instead of the one bestowed to his position? Religious gurus and aficionados report that the Thain Shovel was forged with wards against evil sorcery, which Cyris openly admits to practicing!

An anonymous source reports seeing Cyris laying with several chickens during a tavern event. Our source believes that they were having intimate relations, a sin strictly forbidden by Knox in Petyr 3:18, “Do not lay with chickens.”

Overall, Cyris continues to uphold his lunatic values, using vile sorcery to trick Arugula herself to keep from persecuting him. When will this tyranny end, and who will stop him?

Written by Lily Peregrin, Trusted Reporter of The Cobbler’s Goblet.

 

Spoiler

[OOC] No out of character drama should stem from this roleplay conflict. It's all for funsies, people, please.

 

[NotEvilAtAll 9936]

Sweat falls off of Mimosa Applefoot-Nimblefoot's brow as she hopes nobody notices that SHE actually owns the Unification Shovel.

 

"Erm, t'is beh SLANDAH agains' t'a Thain! Lileh Peregrin t'is jus' mad tha' Cyris t'is doin' ah be''er job t'an she did back when she was t'a Thain!!" she'd say if pressed on the matter.

[Box of Rain 131]

Doder looks over the damning missive. He has nearly succumbed to the sharp rhetoric, but he doubles back to a certain line: "Historical records show him forming a cult-like following in opposition to Mayor Iris Peregrin’s democratic command, declaring himself ‘King’ by the will of Lord Knox!"  Doder stomps a foot on the floor and knocks back more moonshine with his thin tin hat on his head. "Damn roigh' tha's Knox's will! All true propahs know tha' true democracy is jus' as much of a biggun lie as capitalism!" Doder huffs and sits in silence for a moment. He takes another swig and shakes his head. "Feckin' Knox save us from this biggun propaganda!"

[Mannamannaa 1626]

Kor'garr the Clanless simply stares at the... "reporting", that has somehow made it's way into the office of the Kaktuz Weekli. The missive is very much not used as a source for the most famous Newspaper in Almaris, though it might have been placed in a bin of teaching materials for fledgling authors...

 

Spoiler

Can't wait for Kor'garr to meet this... Lily Peregrin. Will surely be an eventful time for news journalists everywhere.

 

[Hearth 873]

The halfling king in question took a long and judgemental sip from his tea cup upon skimming over the article, before filing it under the 'Lily' Section for future reference.

[salamanderfantasy 656]

Magnolia Fiddleberry folds the newspaper up into a charming paper plane before chucking several of them down the mountain. This amuses her for a few hours.