[Trigger Warning] Grief

[𝙻𝚞𝚟 XO 3066]

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair."

Old Chinese proverb

 

In August 2023, a weekend I had anticipated spending warmly in a nearby park was unexpectedly overshadowed by dark clouds and echoes of distress. Amidst my journeys, encompassing both highs and lows, nothing matched the profound ache in my chest on that fateful day.

 

For privacy's sake, I'll omit his name, a choice that stings as it seems to erase his existence more than preserving his anonymity. He was a man I cherished deeply.

 

Encountering him felt like stumbling upon a character from a movie, with a name akin to John Wick. He embodied speed, danger, fearlessness, and an unparalleled vitality that whisked me away from the remnants of my former life. In the midst of my family's disintegration and the aftermath of divorce, I found myself abandoned in the house I grew up in, desolate and chilling. But I wasn't alone; he was there.

 

In the midst of the December winds, he'd generously share his coat as we sought refuge in laundromats, gas station bathrooms, and abandoned buildings. We battled addiction and homelessness together, with him steadfastly by my side during moments of sickness, starvation, and self-inflicted pain. His nameless illness led him down a harrowing path, transforming his mind into an impenetrable labyrinth.

 

As violence and darkness escalated, my belief in the man beneath the turmoil endured. Periodic incarcerations became a part of our reality, a prison in the heart of the city serving as a constant reminder when I roamed the streets alone.

 

Eventually, I had to prioritize my well-being, grappling with critical health issues and a distorted mind from living on the fringes. Although my journey to reintegrate into society is ongoing, he chose not to accompany me. After enduring hours of desperate pleas, I made the agonizing decision for my own sake.

 

They found him, cold and isolated, on an overpass where we once found solace in the city lights. The substances he used to numb his pain ultimately claimed him.

 

My reaction was a cacophony of screams, tears, and destruction. I yearned for justice against those who had failed him and carried a burden of guilt, questioning what the world could desire from someone like me.

 

If you've experienced loss or grief and have suggestions, or if you're navigating a similar journey and seek solidarity, know that I'm here. While I've distanced myself from the server for various reasons, I share this experience in the hope that it may resonate with others—we're all human, and life happens to us all. 

 

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."

Sascha

[Orlanth 3539]

I can't say I know you all too well but I can empathize with your situation. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and appreciating your time off the server. There certainly are those on here that this resonates with, myself included and I appreciate you sharing. 

[ThatFunkyBunch 2066]

I was told two things in the first A.A meeting I ever went to. 

"Son, you're going to want to get a suit." 

"You'll either be going to a lot of funerals."

"Or you'll want to look good when we bury you." 

I am, deeply sorry that you lost someone so close to this horrid disease. It's awful. If you ever want to chat, simple send me a DM. I understand this exact scenario all too well. I wish you the best, to try and keep your head above water. To take it, one day at a time. 

[TreeSmoothie 4898]

When branches grow on a tree, they stay at that level. Sometimes, they break. But the tree nurtures it's wounds and grows around it; it still leaves a lasting mark. Those knots make the tree stronger, and it lives on to thrive as one of the most remarkable things on this planet (did you know trees in forests are connected by roots & fungus? They support eachother by lending nutrients and, in harsh weather, physical support). It's one of my favorite sayings about trauma, and growing with it (rather than "getting over it"). If you ever need a shoulder, never hesitate to send a msg, Luvvy, we're here for you. 🫂