Notic 941 Share Posted February 5 The Cobbler's Goblet, Issue III The Weefolk's Choice Herald This Week's News! The Halflings Slay a Dragon! Pecan Pie Conspiracy: The Stew Thickens Dunwen’s Dullards: Armed and Dangerous, Sir Vindacus! The Halflings Slay a Dragon! Written by Griff Peregrin The Wedding preceding the Draconic Frenzy, by Mimosa Applefoot. It transpired earlier this Pumpkin Week that the Halflings would not only host the marriage of two bigguns, but the house warming of Arugulaspawn themselves! It was at the wedding of Dunwen biggun local Apollyon Snowell and the Silver Lubba of Lurin that an unknown number of dragonspawn, identified by one of our sources as “Azdrazi”, arrived to crash the celebration. One of the guests, Magnolia Fiddleberry, testified that these dragonmen might have been the ex-lovers of our community’s own Apollyon Snowell. Several other halflings testify witnessing the dark fury of these beasts, who were ultimately defeated through the combined efforts of the guests present. Our analysts at the Cobbler’s Goblet have begun to ponder a dark reality; perhaps these dragonmen’s appearance, as well as the arrival of the beast Arkaknox, tie in with some greater threat that may be posed to the village. Have we truly begun to incur Arugula’s wrath? Furthermore, if the rumors of Ms. Snowell’s associations with these beasts are true, could she perhaps be playing a hand in the greater conflicts that sweep the village? Next week, Griff Peregrin will be releasing a long-awaited interview with a specialist on the Arugulan faith, detailing the possible paths we could take to get out of our present situation… but until then, keep your blinds open, Dunwen. You never know what our biggun neighbors might do next… Pecan Pie Conspiracy: The Stew Thickens Written by Griff Peregrin Hambart Bingleberry in the Peregrin Living Room, by Bingo Bufferbottom. Many of you will remember an article from our first Cobbler’s Goblet issue, detailing the potential lethal side-effects of Pecan Pie. Well, this week, we’ve managed to secure an interview with known glutton and village newcomer Hambart Bingleberry, who has demonstrated several worrying side-effects of pecan pie consumption. Hambart weighs in at an impressive one-hundred-fifty pumpkins, or three hundred pounds, for our biggun readers. This mammoth of a weeman bravely volunteered himself for research and experimentation, having consumed a slice of pecan pie roughly the size of the average musin’s torso. What we found was astonishing. Hambart, upon finishing the pie, immediately began to sweat profusely, which our scientists have reasoned to be an early onset sign of sudden death. He later said that he had no extensive history of eating pecan pie, and that this may be the first time he has ever tried it. For a man to immediately show fatal signs upon his first slice does not bode well for pecan pie’s safety regulations. Stay tuned as we meet with local bakers to discuss their plans on avoiding a potential health crisis with this delicious but deadly treat. Dunwen’s Dullards: Armed and Dangerous, Sir Vindacus! Written by Griff Peregrin Sir Vindacus’ Dunwen Estate, Bingo Bufferbottom. Many halflings have had the displeasure of meeting the local biggun rotter and ne’er-do-well, the self-proclaimed “Sir” Vindacus, but few have had such a clear lens into his disgusting history as our reporters and informants here at the Cobbler’s Goblet. For those who are unaware, the man who calls himself Sir Vindacus is an adult, biggun male who has taken up residence in a lofty estate within our shire for several years now. What you may not know, however, is how he got there in the first place. Several records from biggun kingdoms that Vindacus resided in at various points have detailed his dishonorable discharge from military service for various crimes, including public nudity, public urination, and serial debauchery. Having no other place to go, this “Vindacus” arrived in Dunwen, hoping to take advantage of the less educated locals. Ruven, a frequent local of Dunwen, stated that they had seen a poster declaring Vindacus’ banishment in the theater of a place known as Kaethul. Furthermore, trusted elder Magnolia Fiddleberry stated that Vindacus may not be right-of-mind, believing him to have suffered some form of brain trauma. Since his debut in our community, Sir Vindacus has repeatedly displayed his heinous tendencies, but it was allowed to rest… until recently, when Vindacus turned his vindictive gaze onto Dunwen’s own children. Many will know the beloved youth Zeeron, who as of recently was personally threatened by Sir Vindacus. Vindacus, who has repeatedly referred to halflings as the derogatory term “Wee Wees”, came upon Zeeron with his typical forked tongue, to which Zeeron fought back. Declaring that “Wee Wees” was an offensive term, Zeeron stood up for the Halfling people, to which Vindacus retaliated with a threat on their life. Zeeron is very young, and as such, was deeply disturbed by this. Please, to any halflings who roam the streets without this knowledge, hear this message and know of Sir Vindacus’ crimes. With luck, perhaps we can remove him from our land for good and be all the better for it. Stay Wise, Dunwen! Written by Griff Peregrin, Illustrations by Bingo Bufferbottom Published by the Peregrin Family Spoiler Just a little note from the author here- thank you all so much for supporting these posts. They're really fun to make, and I'm glad to be providing people with an insight into halfling news- however biased some things may be towards my character. I think the whole concept of an untrustworthy narrator is fun to experiment with in roleplay. This was the first issue I have written ahead of time, but I'll be doing a lot more in the way of sourcing articles and prepping it throughout the week. Stay wise, Dunwen. 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlternisJ 128 Share Posted February 5 The orc smiled, seeing his dumbass on a photo again "So much drama in the Horde over me being in these photos... Kind of dumbass moment of me to be in the front row..." he turned to look at the scale he collected, wondering was it worth it in the end? 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotEvilAtAll 9943 Share Posted February 5 "Oi dun loike dragons! T'ey 'ave 'ORRIBLE bad breath...." comments Mimosa Applefoot, survivor of the great Dragon vs Wedding guest conflict. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kardika 62 Share Posted February 5 "TIS FALSE!! THAT SWINE DARE PUBLICATE SLANDER!?! FICTIONAL NEWSLETTERS UPON MINE GOOD NAME!" He would crumple the newsletter, casting it into his fireplace as he read it. His cup of tea splattering to the wooden floorboards... "That fool... dost he not know I am sworn to protect the shire..." He sighs deeply... "perhaps the banishment... threats and... loss of sanity art true but.. HE DARE SAY I URINATE AND FROLICK NAKED IN PUBLIC!! HE SHALL PAYYY!!!" Would begin to bash his table with his great sword until it was reduced to splinters... 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
thesmellypocket 1841 Share Posted February 6 "One thing I have learned about Lytlings. They are most hardy folk." Comments Offa. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
salamanderfantasy 666 Share Posted February 6 "Am bein' misrepresented." Thus declares the Mayor after reading the first article. "Not very journalistic integrity innit." Magnolia then proceeds to fold the newspaper into a paper plane, and sends it flying directly into the fireplace without reading the rest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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